Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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