On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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