I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
