census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize