are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
