the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
