and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
