i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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