i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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