the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
