Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
