Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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