Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
