She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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