THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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