I faked an abortion last night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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