He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
