Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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