you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
