she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
