I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
