goodnight i made you a song goodbye
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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