we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have aggressive nipples.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
