shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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