it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
