So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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