based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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