I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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