I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
