It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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