hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
