k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
