My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize