Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
