I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
