cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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