I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
