when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
