A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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