I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
