Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
