he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
