she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
