The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
