my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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