Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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