Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
