i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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