I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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