textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
