Life is so much better after having sex.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize