threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
