Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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