half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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