im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
