can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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