Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
