I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
