Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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