walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
